What can you say about Adam Rank that hasn't been said before? He has a nice head of hair?
Adam Rank is a writer, stand-up comedian, radio personality and television host. He should list his occupation as “magician” because he was somehow able to fool the NFL into thinking he's talented.
Rank was born and raised in Southern California yet managed to avoid the sun so magnificently that he earned the nickname “Diablo Blanco.” He also earned “O.C.'s Funniest Finalist of 2009, 2010 and 2011” for his stand-up comedy performances. Losing out each year to good judgment.
And if you think his stand-up is bad, he's even less funny when he sits down every week on the NFL Network's “NFL Fantasy Live.” While at the “kid's table,” he reads tweets from other people that were actually able to come up with something interesting to say. Tune in.
Adam was hired by the NFL in 1995. And he worked so hard with his writings and “Pick Six” columns he was finally rewarded with his television debut in 2010. Fifteen years later. The only slower rise is his metabolism. Have you seen this guy's neck? Neither has he.
Adam is probably most famous for his work on “The Adam Rank Gridiron Podcast for Kids.” This is when Rank corners athletes into answering questions until they threaten bodily harm. Once again, tune in.
His “NFL Fantasy Live” colleague Dave Dameshek describes Adam Rank as having “the perfect face for radio.” That's why he hired him to co-host the “Dave Dameshek Football Program.” Or as Rank calls it, “Adam's Weekly Valentine to the Los Angeles Rams.”
Adam loves the Los Angeles Rams. If he loved them anymore, he'd drink them. Hate to say Rank is a drunken mess, but Lindsay Lohan is taking notes.
And don't think his love for L.A. sports stop there. Nope, he loves the Lakers, Angels and Kings too. Truthfully, he thinks by going to games in Los Angeles, he'll actually be able to put his name on IMDb. Hey, nobody said loyalty equals intelligence.
He's also got horrible taste in music. What do Poison, Motley Crue and Cinderella have in common? They're all funnier than Adam Rank. Hair bands, really? I think Alanis Morrissette has another hit on her hands.
So if you like wrestling and “Hot Tub Time Machine” and Lynyrd Skynyrd, well, you've failed at life. But don't worry cause Adam Rank did too. And you can show your support by proudly displaying your “Rank Amateurs” tee.
Show “America!” you're always drunk and don't care who knows it.
Written by Larry Farish
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